Class discussion, papers, Lake Macdonald, ice cream, sunshine, laughter – a pocket of paradise. It only takes thirteen words to describe June 16th, 2008. Our layover in West Glacier gave us the wealth of time: time to read, time to debate, time to rest, and most importantly time to reflect. In my time of reflection I appropriately compiled my Montanan discoveries into a guide - a guide now made available for your viewing pleasure.
So if you find yourself on the forested trails or be it the majestic mountains of Montana’s Glacier National Park, you are sure to encounter many wonderful things. After one of the greatest expeditions to venture through the land, battling Gaelic storms and love deprived barking dogs, I have synthesized the trips’ findings into a pleasant plethora of first-hand observations (from here on known as facts) to aid other travelers through their glorious treks. What follows is an initial summary:
ROADS: Be sure to use the legal standardized shoulder to your advantage – no shoulder may exceed the size of the average human hand (wherein districts one through four must designate half of each hand to the sacred rumble-strip). Also, make note of the free and sporadic time checks provided by carefully placed shards of glass along your most likely routes!
SHOPPING: Your best chance of survival requires the following diet: (in any order or combination of course) — peanut butter. Now hurry about the store grasping items at random and do a process of taste-bud elimination over the weeks to come.
PEOPLE: I’m sure you are very interesting, but the real reason why everyone talks to you is because they are Montanans. They are a resilient tribe that are currently battling and adapting to droughts, boom-and-bust cycles, and decreased water supplies. Their struggles have made me conceptualize the future. In this future the least advantaged groups of society are strengthened and supported through institutions developed to help them adapt, instead of allowing them to succumb to escalating catastrophes. There is, in this future, a stronger social cohesion due to the greater efforts of broader society to achieve equality and thus produce a situation wherein people identify with larger social goals rather than their own immediate interests.
SLEEPING: Be sure that all traveling bicyclers have brought some form of a human cocoon (a sleeping bag will do), wherein, an air hole of 5 cm in diameter allows potential survival. This is necessary to prevent a full transfusion of your blood type into the local genetically modified mosquitoes (talk about resilience!). Also, provide proper spacing between resting bikers in order to avoid excess methane concentrations.
EATING: Now that your metabolism is four times your own body weight, you will need to adjust accordingly. Follow this schedule for best results:
1. Eat as soon as you rise for the day
2. Consider your days agenda
3. Eat again
4. Do some form of activity for tow hours (while contemplating what to eat for lunch number one)
5. Eat
6. Search for the meaning of life
7. Eat
8. Sleep
9. Repeat
Excessive? Ya I know, but hey! Every 100 calories of food moves the average biker three miles, yet only moves a car 268 feet! Eat up big fella!
PLACES TO GO: First stop is Lake MacDonald. Essentially it is gorgeous landscapes, quiet surroundings, and water temperatures that most penguins refuse. Next stop, Eddies. Now that you are dry and enjoying the sun you will proceed directly to Eddies Ice Cream stand and ask for one scoop (which in West Glacier terms directly translates as three baseball sized balls of concentrated sugar).
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Alright, you are now a competent individual ready to roll into town. Pack your bags and hit the road – being mindful of the friendly bear population – and paying royalties to me of course (checks will do) as you utilize these astonishing observations.
–Cory Zyla, University of British Columbia